I've moved to ulricalzr.wordpress.com :) But I'm not updating much anymore due to lack of readership. :P HAHAHA.

Disclaimer: super long entry.

I never thought I would want to document my ACL surgery experience but I guess it's a good avenue for me to clear my thoughts and put my memories to words. Just so you know, it took a lot for me to revisit those memories.

How I Tore My ACL

As much as I hate to always have to repeat this to anyone who ask me about my knee, this is a memory that I have to keep revisiting. On the 28th of February 2011, the NUS Women's Soccer Team had a match against NTU. I was playing right wing and for most of the first half, I wasn't playing particularly well. Coach Arasu even had to pull me aside and asked me to get my usual game back. Then my chance came, I managed to win the ball at our defending half and took it all the way down the flank (with this NTU player racing me), almost reaching the keeper. I remember thinking to myself: This is it. This is my chance to prove myself, to score one goal and redeem myself from the horrible performance just now. Just as I was about to take a shot, the NTU defender also had her eye on denying me of my chance. Before I knew it, I felt the impact from both our legs colliding (more like she cleared my leg instead of the ball) and CRACKKKKK!!! I screamed in pain and fell to the ground. It's quite funKNEE cos I felt like maybe I watched too much soccer and reacted maybe a bit too dramatically :P But it was really painful and I feared the worst. I knew in my blood it was a terrible sound and it must have been something serious.

I remember clearly that dumbass referee kept asking me WHERE'S THE PAIN and I KEPT repeating that it was my RIGHT KNEE and I HEARD A CRACK SOUND then he laughed at me saying: "THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HOLDING YOUR ANKLE?"

Thank God that Uncle Sam (our resident physiotherapist) came running over just in time to quickly pour ice water on my knee and my dearest teammates carried me off the field. The only thought that kept running in my mind was "DAMMIT how am i supposed to go for DU practice later? Rasul's going to be mad. How to dance for DP and DU? SHIT SHIT SHIT." When I voiced these concerns to my teammates and Uncle Sam, they laughed and said "Why are you still thinking about dancing at this moment?!"


What Happened after I tore my ACL

I had to cancel ALL my dance concert commitments and I stopped going for handball and soccer trainings.
Day 2 of my accident, it didn't occur to me that I have a torn ACL cos Uncle Sam wasn't sure. But the 2nd day was really awful cos I could feel every inch of that pain in my knee and it didn't help that I wasn't taught how to use the crutches at home. Every time I move my knee it felt like someone was stabbing me at the back of my knee with a knife. I kept on crying because the pain was too unbearable and Mom had to bring me to SGH to get it checked.

After being referred to a knee specialist, a relatively young and charming Dr Gerrard Ee, I was scheduled to have an MRI Scan 3 weeks later and the results revealed that I have a complete ACL tear in my right knee. He then referred me to the best orthopaedic surgeon in SGH (so I heard from the nurses and physiotherapists who attended to me), Dr Andrew Tan. My surgery was scheduled on the 19th May 2011.

Post-accident Feelings: The Denial and The Tears

Emotional rollercoaster: the initial fear, followed by the relief and HALLELUJAH moment when I thought my knee was okay, then the denial that it will never be the same again and then the tears that never stopped flowing after slipping back into that bottomless pit of self-pity.

I was also upset with the person who caused my injury, partly because there was no one else to blame. Even though I clearly knew that it was part and parcel of a soccer player's life, accidents do happen all the time, I couldn't help but feel upset that it happened to me.

Pre-surgery: The Nerves

After watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy prior to my surgery, I was afraid of what may happen during my surgery (like what if the General Anaesthesia doesn't work on me? There was this episode of this lady who woke up halfway through the surgery because she had a kind of gene that caused the GA to wear off faster than normal people. What kind of pain will I feel when I wake up from the General Anaesthesia?)

ACL reconstruction surgery

SGH is a place that makes you wait and wait and wait, for everything from making appointments, payments, operations...etc. I waited REALLY long in my -loseallyourdignity- hospital gown, wearing this embarrassing pair of grandmother slippers. But thankfully the nurses there were nice and hospitable :)


Mom asked for me to be admitted into hospital even though it was previously planned to be an outpatient procedure. It was the best plan ever! I made friends with the nurses there because they were super friendly. Some of them are ITE interns and some were from NUS (attachment programme). They were all awesome, caring and ready to make conversations, which I appreciated a lot cos I craved for human interaction :P Even though I thought I had lost my appetite because of the overdose of painkillers, the hospital food (breakfast and lunch) was SO unexpectedly delicious (even the presentation of the food was commendable!) that I ate 80% of what was given! :D
On the day of being discharged from SGH, I had to go for my first post-op physiotherapy session to be taught on how to use the crutches properly and some simple exercises to do at home. I was asked to bend and straighten my knee as much as I can and it was living hell. I teared up while doing the exercises and this elderly woman who was waiting nearby came over and patted me on my back. She encouraged me to take it slowly and not be too hard on myself... :) she must be an angel sent from God. :D


Post-op Rehab and Adjustments

BATHING:
As I'm writing this entry, I am into my 3rd week after my op. It's been helluva ride and many adjustments made. The first 3 days after being discharged from the hospital was the WORST. I missed my 24/7 nurse call and having great food served to me to my bed. I struggled a lot and got really bad-tempered because I had not bathed since the day of surgery. It was really disgusting but I had no choice because the only available help I have is my dad and I couldn't bring myself to ask him for help. Thankfully, after getting some advice from Jasmond and Jiayi (both had ACL surgeries before), I managed to get dad to help me set up the bathroom for me to bathe. I sat on a plastic stool and had my entire right leg+knee brace wrapped in transparent bag. I thank God for my flexibility which allowed me to wear my underwear and shorts relatively painlessly.
By the end of 2nd week, I was off-crutches and was able to bathe standing up. :)


SLEEPING:
For 3 weeks, I slept with my knee brace on and this prevented me from tossing and turning: something that I love to do in my sleep. Hence, I wasn't able to get a good sleep each time. ): The first week was horrible because I had trouble falling asleep from the severe headaches and stomachaches I had (perhaps from the painkillers and after-effects of General Anaesthesia). It was so unbearable that I kept on groaning and couldn't even bring myself to watch any more shows or do anything. Thankfully, church friends prayed for me and the pain progressively lessened. :)


TRANSPORT:
For the first week, I have been taking cab wherever I go. But for the 2nd week, I thought to myself that I should try taking public transport since I have relatively good control of my crutches and I wanted to be independent. Wrong move. When I got on the train, it was crowded so I had to stand (partly also because those sitting on the reserved seats had their eyes closed, I assumed they were sleeping?). When I stand for too long, my leg hurts a great deal :( Then I refused to take the shuttle bus to SGH so I walked all the way in from Outram Park MRT and omg I was almost knocked down by cars on quite a few occasions O.O. I practically was a walking hazard. After my physiotherapy session, I took a bus back and OMG wrong move again cos it was filled with old people who needed to sit just as much as I did. So I stood up until somebody got off and sitting down wasn't a great idea too cos at that point in time, I still couldn't bend my knee more than a few degrees. I tried to bear the pain but couldn't so tears started to fall and people kept staring and when 2 aunties tried to tell me to keep my leg in to prevent people from kicking it, I cried even harder. So emotional, so embarrassing, so wrong. I should have just taken a cab.

There is this 16-yr old volleyball girl who had the same surgery (left knee) as me on the same day and is currently doing physio with me too. She looks so much older than I am (mostly because of the height issue) and I can't help but feel super envious of her because I see her coming for physio each time with her maid and leaving in a Toyota Camry with her parents. She's got like everything taken care of for her. I felt a tinge of bitterness when I thought about how I had to struggle taking the public transport because I don't have parents who drive. ): OKAY enough of that load of self-pitying shit. I shall continue to be thankful for the opportunity for me to be independent (cos the nurse who did my dressing for me says that it's impressive for me to do this all by myself. hehhe)

PHYSIO:
Now I struggle to do my physio exercises 3 sets 3 times a day. Most of the time, I will cut corners cos I kept losing count of the reps. :P I hope to gain more motivation and drive to make myself stronger and fight back to become a greater athlete/dancer.

10 reasons why this injury is a blessing in disguise

1. I see who are the people who truly care about me. I see their love, concern and patience and I am grateful for it. 
2. I had my first maiden experience being hospitalized. Hopefully a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity :)
3. I was forced to stay home and had the excuse of not having to go to dinners that I didn't really want to go in the first place but had no other excuse. :P
4. I discovered the fun of shopping through Gmarket! :) Quite an addictive hobby, online shopping is!
5. I am watching shows and lazing around at home without feeling guilty. HAHAH. It's like I am entitled to do so even though I know I shld be pushing myself to do much greater things.
6. I get a lot of attention (okay, albeit unwanted) whenever I am outside. A lot of stares.
7. A lot of people can do good deeds because of me. :) (they can choose to give up their seats, help me hold the lift, give me priority in queues...AHHAHAH not that i asked them to)
8. It was a good time for me to stop all the activities I had going on in my life: Dance, Handball, Soccer and re-evaluate my priorities. I guess after looking at the bigger picture, I realised perhaps this was how God wanted me to see things in perspective. I have made some wrong choices with the commitments I took up and it was time for me to let things go.
9. This experience showed me the important truth that people move on and I am dispensable. Even though people may remind me sometimes that I am being missed, I know deep inside that because of my lack of investment in people relationships, my presence do not really mean a great deal in their lives. It made me reflect on how I value relationships and how I should invest more of my life in people then in my own personal happiness.
10. I FINISHED WATCHING TV SERIALS THAT I NEVER IMAGINED EVER WATCHING. Grey's Anatomy Seasons 1-7, Nikita, Heroes, SYTYCD S7.. (and counting)

This entry was inspired by yeskneecan.com

 

( The knee song :) )

 

Have been watching way too many Korean Variety Shows

( Korean Variety Programmes )

so this new genre is quite the change I need! Watch if you are free! Highly recommended! :)
Changing Education Paradigms

The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us


The Secret Powers of Time by Philip Zimbardo

Language as a Window into Human Nature (Recommended by my Prof!)

The tyranny of thanks by Mark Vernon
Excerpt:

Recall the last time a child – perhaps your niece or nephew, your son or daughter – said thank you to you. How delighted were you by their gratitude? How warm was the glow inside? And now think again.

What kind of pressure was on that child to be grateful at your largesse? Would they have received a metaphorical clip around the ear had they remained silent, or worse harrumphed?

Saying thanks is a deeply ambivalent task. Fay Weldon recognised as much when she noted: ‘My children are ungrateful: they don’t care. That is my great reward. They are free.’

But the compulsion to say thank you is increasing, thanks in part to self-help (and note the barb in that use of ‘thanks’). They’re called gratitude diaries. The idea is that you make a note of things that happened today for which you can be grateful. It might be help at the checkout, or a tasty sandwich at lunch. The advice is to recall them later and watch how the habit makes you more appreciative of things, and increases you happiness.

But I’m suspicious of this tyranny of thanks. For one thing, the advice is infantalizing: it’s the self-help equivalent of the parent who chastises: ‘Johnny, what do you say?’, ‘Jemma, what’s the magic word?’

For another, it might also nurture a habit of lying. The problem is that thanks cannot be reverse-engineered. True gratitude springs from within, it is not forced from without. To habitually offer thanks is as false as the call-centre operator’s, ‘Hello, how is your day?’ It’s a form of manipulation, turned in on yourself.

Your lack of gratitude might, in fact, be telling you something very important. It may express a restlessness with your life. It may capture the truth that the daily grind is grinding you down, not lifting you up. You may well do better to attend to that, rather than papering over the cracks with faux-cheerful appreciation. Keeping a gratitude diary may not lead to your happiness, but to the burial of your discontent.

So don’t say thanks unless you feel it. Instead, be true to yourself, listen to yourself. You may well discover something significant – something with more of a chance of making life better than the cheesy, uneasy word of thanks.:

( Some additional thoughts from people that resonate with my own )

 

 this indifference in me is killing me from within.

What does it take to be a Champion?

From IntenseMuscle.com:

The 12 Traits of Champions:

(1) Champions are positive thinkers; they believe in themselves (and most importantly, God)

Undoubtedly the most important quality that all champions share is an unwavering belief that they will succeed. Champions always look for the good in every situation. No matter what obstacles they encounter, they always continue to think positive. Without confidence, faith in your abilities, and positive mental attitude, you've defeated yourself before you ever step onstage.

(2) Champions visualize their successes.

Champions understand the importance of positive mental imagery or visualization. Champion bodybuilders visualize exactly how they want their bodies to look, they see themselves standing onstage accepting the first place trophy, and they mentally rehearse every workout in vivid detail. They do this over and over in their minds hundreds or even thousands of times before it becomes physical reality.

(3) Champions surround themselves with positive people and avoid negative influences.

Champions keep themselves in a "positive shell" and do not associate with negative people, places, or things. Arnold Schwarzenegger put it this way: "I have nothing to do with negative relationships. I stay away from negative influences. I have no time for negative thinkers and pessimists. Such people will suck you dry until you have become as pessimistic as they are. Then you'll have not just one but two losers."

(4) Champions are goal setters.

Champions realize that if they don't know where they're going, that is exactly where they'll end up; nowhere! Champions consistently set long and short-term goals. From day to day workout goals to long term career objectives, champions have written out specific, measurable goals with a deadline.

(5) Champions have a burning desire to succeed.

Champions not only have goals, but they ardently desire them. Robert Collier, summed up the idea of desire beautifully in his 1926 self-help classic Secret of the Ages." He said, "Very few people know how to desire with sufficient intensity. They do not know what it is to feel and manifest that intense, eager, longing, craving, insistent, demanding, ravenous desire which is akin to the persistent, insistent, ardent, overwhelming desire of the drowning man for a breath of air, or a desert-lost man for a drink of water, or the famished man for bread and meat." Champions have burning desire. They want it and they want it badly.

(6) Champions are disciplined and consistent.

Champions live and breathe the bodybuilding lifestyle all year round. They are committed and disciplined in training and dietary practices. They know that there is no off-season and success does not come overnight. Champions never miss a scheduled workout and never miss a meal. Champion bodybuilders are probably the most dedicated athletes in any sport.

(7) Champions are persistent

Champions never, ever quit. Thomas Edison was the epitome of persistence: He conducted 10,000 experiments before finally finding a filament that would burn in the electric light bulb. Champions know that if they persist long enough, eventually they must succeed.

(8) Champions learn from their failures

Champions don't view losses as failures, they see them as learning experiences. When asked how it felt to fail 10,000 times, Thomas Edison replied, " I didn't fail, I learned 9,999 ways that wouldn't work." Champions know that they haven't failed until they quit; but once they quit, then they have failed. A champion finds a lesson in every apparent loss and finds ways to grow from it.

(9) Champions have incredible powers of focus and concentration

Champions set goals and then maintain a laser-like focus on them. They have the ability to always keep the long term objective in their sights while focusing 100% on what they are doing at the moment. If you watch a champion train you will notice that they are completely oblivious to their surroundings. 100% of their focus and concentration is on what they are doing. They almost appear to have slipped into a hypnosis-like trance. This peak physiological and psychological state has often been referred to as being in "the zone" or being in "flow." Champions can access this state instantly at will. When it comes time to train they turn everything else off and zero in on what they are doing.

(10) Champions have a deep love and boundless enthusiasm for the sport.

To a loser, training and dieting is work and drudgery. To a champion, training and dieting are a love, a joy, and a passion. Champions are enthusiastic about what they do; they can't wait to train each day. Motivational speaker Tom Hopkins once said, "Work is anything you're doing when you'd rather be doing something else." Champions are doing what they love, so to them it's not work at all, it's fun!

(11) Champions strive for constant and never ending improvement

Champions are never satisfied with the status quo; they never rest on their laurels. Champions aim for small improvements every day in every way. Champions are open-minded and are always looking for a better way to do things. Although champions are always striving for more, they also realize that success is a journey, so they enjoy each moment and savor every step along the way.

(12) Champions are hard workers; they are willing to go the extra mile

Positive thinking, goal setting, visualization, desire, persistence, and enthusiasm are vital, but without action and hard work, these traits are all worthless. Edison said, "Success is 98% perspiration and 2% inspiration." Champions are hard workers. Champions take consistent action and they are willing to do the things that the losers are not. Champions make themselves go to the gym when they don't feel like going. Champions stay on the bike another 15 minutes, even when they are exhausted. Champions do 5 extra reps after the losers have stopped. Champions are steadfast with their diets when the failures break down and cheat. Champions have the willingness to train through the pain barrier while the failures quit when it starts to hurt.

In short, champions go the extra mile.

From now on, I want to live a life of a champion.

Hello lj

I had 3 examinable modules this semester (AY10/11), starting off with my MA2311 (Techniques in Advanced Calculus), SN1101E (South Asia- People, Culture, Development) and finishing off on the 1 Dec with EL2202 (Sound System of English). Honestly, based on my own human efforts, I think I SEVERLY underperformed during the examinations for all of the above modules. Sometimes, I wondered if it was because I have not studied hard enough or put in enough effort, but I clearly remember going into the examination hall with a clear conscience that I have thoroughly revised my work. However, I believe that it is better like this (feeling severly inadequate and useless based on my own effort) because then, God's glory can be manifested even more greatly.

God always exceeds in His provisions for me.

Personally, I felt that having only 3 examinable modules was not such a good thing after all. Because of the extra time that I assumed I had, I took the liberty of enjoying myself over the weekend break and taking my own sweet time in getting down to revise my work. I hated how I was so relaxed when the rest are busy and losing their sleep over their revision. But eventually, I figured it was good to just rest in God's presence and He will meet all of my needs according to His riches in glory. :)

I think I have matured (I really hope I did) during this period. Instead of feeling bitter and regretful after each paper, I told myself that what really matters is not what I put on paper, or how I performed for that examination, but whether I have really gained or learnt anything from taking the modules.

I told myself it's a pity that I couldn't 'give' the module/lecturers/tutors as much as I have taken from it. For example, while studying for my SN1101E, I explored beyond the readings to get to know more in-depth the histories and situations in Pakistan, Bangladesh, Nepal, Bhutan and India. The module allowed me to see things in a wider perspective and now I have so much more interest and insights into the different religions (especially Hinduism) and political situations in South Asia. While in the past, such issues used to bother me or leave me indifferent, after taking the module, I realized that not every country should be judged with the same measurements and I must be careful in coming to conclusions about certain issues based on my own Asian/Christian ideals. However much I have learnt from this module, I regret not being able to show it to the lecturers in my answer script because I totally screwed it up.

I'm really thankful for my two non-examinable modules this semester too: EL3204 Discourse Structure and EL3208 Bilingualism. Both modules totally confirmed the reason why majoring in English is totally a correct choice for me. I relish all the times I could apply whatever I learnt from my English courses to my daily life and how I am now even more eager to learn about the English language from all the different aspects: psychologically, morphologically, phonologically, syntactically etc. Just thinking about it makes me excited for next sem!

I really love learning but I really detest taking examinations and the waiting and cramming part of it. It destroys and compromises my joy in learning and I really hope I won't be doing this to my future students ): A necessary evil? Sigh, I don't wish for grades and rankings to destroy all the happiness I got from learning and finally understanding the subject.

Anyway, I don't even know whether I am looking forward to the holidays because in fact, I don't think I have much time for myself: given the fact that half of my holiday time will be spent on camps/mission trip and the other half would be on IHG/IVP trainings and church dance preparations.

May God multiply my time (managing my time well) :D

I just realized that I could get a hangover from just SMELLING alcohol -.-

Anyway I woke up this morning feeling dazed, nursing a recurring headache since last night and feeling absolutely lethargic. I thought to myself: this must be a bad day.

It's amazing how God can turn your bad days into great days. How He can use your weaknesses to reveal His Glory and Strength :D

During our soccer match against the West Australian team this evening, I had a bad tackle and I felt my ankle gave way, it felt very loose and kinda hurt when I was down on the ground, so I was really scared. But my regenerative cells that God has blessed me with helped me to recover and now I feel perfectly fine :D

I received my Annotated Bibliography (EL3208) back and by God's grace, I obtained full credit for the 15% that it contributes to my final grade. Praise the Lord! :)

Just now I had Handball recre, and at 940pm I was prompted to get back to hall to do my EL3204 group project because consultation was tomorrow and I had to get it done by tonight. So as I was bathing, the weather changed drastically and it poured! I thank God that I didn't get caught in the rain :)

I can't wait to get this

Grape Sorbet ICF Signature Dance Pants

WHEEE I already placed an order through Simyee and I can't wait for them to arrive! WHEEEE!

(Edit under the cut: My EL3208 groupmates)
I just woke up from a dream that I never want to wake up from. Have you had such a dream before?
It was pure happiness. HAHAH. Or rather, I think this dream is a scary reflection of the extent of my Soshi addiction -.- It spells and warns me of how deep I've gone and signals for deliverance from it.

( the dream. )

Anyway, on a heavier note, I had this strange impulse to stop staying (either next sem or next year) in hall already. It's not that I just experienced anything bad or what, it's just that it suddenly dawned upon me that maybe I should spend more time with my family, get my discipline back in terms of academic studies...

I really hope to make the right and wise choice, but I know that it's going to be hard.

( Bilingual Brain )

Something that started my morning: really cool and great vocals. :D

SNSD's HOOT! YAYYYYYY!